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I’ve been treated lile shit by too many people. I have my guard up at all times, and I’ve built walls because I’m afraid to ever get hurt again. I’m stubborn because if I’m not I get walked all over. I cry easily because I’m emotional and a wreck. I don’t make sense half of the time because I have too many things running through my head at once. I’m not an easy person to understand.
Don’t you hate it when people make a joke about you, about something that you’re actually incredibly insecure about and they don’t realize it, but every laugh feels like a stab in your chest, because it hurts so much and brings up memories you’d rather forget. But you can’t say anything because then people would know your weaknesses. They’d know how insecure you really are. So instead you just laugh it off, and hide the pain you feel inside.
It’s a cruel thing, you’ll never know all the ways that I tried. It’s a hard thing, faking a smile when I feel like I’m falling apart inside. And now you’re gone, it’s like an echo in my head, and I remember every word you said. And you never were, and you never will be mind. For the first time, there’s no mercy in your eyes. And the cold wind’s hitting my face, and you’re gone, and you’re just walking away… and I’m helpless.
You don’t know what goes on in anyone’s life but your own. And when you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re not messing with just that part. Unfortunately, you can’t be that precise and selective. When you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re messing with their entire life. Everything… affects everything.
I do understand the impulse. The impulse to put your hand out and want something to be there at the end of your reach. To want someone to be close to. To wanna kiss or touch even if it’s wrong. The point is you can’t control these feelings. Even if they’re wrong, they’re still there. They’re always there.
Did it surprise you that I’m not who you thought I was.? Did it surprise you to find that I don’t exactly stand for what you thought I stood for all along.? Did it surprise you to find that I’m not exactly how I played myself out to be.? That the person you thought I was is actually nothing to what I am…
Sometimes I feel like no-one cares. Sometimes I feel like no-one is there. Sometimes I wanna kill myself. Sometimes I think I need some help. Sometimes I feel like I’m all alone. Sometimes I’m in an empty zone. Sometimes I feel like I’m not alive. Sometimes I wonder if I’m deprived. Sometimes I think the world should end. Sometimes I think I have no friends. Sometiems I wanna make them see that sometimes I wish I wasn’t me.
I know it seems like I’m this strong person who can get through anything, but inside I’m fragile. I’ve had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. What I’m afraid of is shattering.
Her sadness didn’t have that. It dropped slowly into her life without her noticing it, at least, not noticing it until it consumed her fully and smothered her with darkness.
Everybody’s searching for a hero. People need someone to look up to. I never found anyone who fulfilled my need… a lonely place to be, and so I learned to depend on me.
Every night before I go to sleep, I lie on my bed and stare up at my blank walls. I try to imagine the future, but right now it’s as blank as those walls. All I can see is a past that I barely recognize anymore.
There’s no excuse for the need to take your own life away, everyone passes through some rough obstacles in life, just face them as they come along; there’s always a way to overcome those obstacles, and learn from your experiences.
I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years, or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist, or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.
Walking down the hall with her head held high, every hair is in its place, sees a friend and she waves hi, wearing a smile on her perfect face. Friendly, smart, and beautiful; everyone adores this girl. Seemingly content, her head’s in a whirl. Inside she’s unhappy, and doesn’t know why. She lays in her bed at night and cries. She doesn’t know what causes her tears; how could this princess have insecurities or fears.? She has it all. A pretty smile, many friends, a great guy, the newest trends. Her family has money, she gets good grades, has her own car, and her make-up never fades. Always looking happy, every single day, but inside she’s feeling a different way. This is wonder girl, she’s everyone’s dream, but things aren’t always what they seem.
Sometimes I wish I could just be a little kid again. So when life gets tough you can just play pretend. I wanna go back to when Santa did exist. When your daddy was the only boy you ever kissed. When Disney World was the best place to be. When the only movies you could see were rated G. When your biggest problem was learning to write your name and people didn’t change… and your friends were the same. And every time you were sad or you had a bad day, you could just run to mommy and it would all be okay. I wanna go back to the days where nothing hurt, and you felt no pain, just laughter. When everyone always lived happily ever after.
I don’t know what I want in life. I don’t know what I want right now. All I know is that I’m hurting so much inside that it’s eating me, and one day, there won’t be any more of me left.
Teardrops slowly fall from my eyes as I look to the sky, and I question how come life keeps passing me right on by… I just wonder why I can’t escape, is this my fate.? To always be unhappy and how much longer must I wait.
I’m not saying I have nothing. I’m not saying I’m gone completely. It’s just sometimes it’s all a bit too much to handle. Sometimes I feel like it’s too much. I’m not going to do anything stupid because I know it will get better. It has to, right.? Otherwise there wouldn’t be anyone who would live past their teenage years. But for now, just for now, it hurts.
You know sometimes, like when someone dies, and you’re sad, and it’s okay to be sad.? But then there are times when you’re supposed to be happy but you’re sad anyway… and those times are even worse than the times when you’re supposed to be sad.
I just don’t feel like I know myself very well right now, so how can I be sure about anything.? Most of the time I feel so awkward, you know, like I don’t belong in my own skin. I get frustrated at everything, I could just scream and there’s no reason for it… I just hate myself.
Have you ever felt so alone and nothing makes sense.? Well that’s how I feel right now. I feel like I’m facing everything myself, with nothing but tears and a fake smile.
I will only continue to be who I am. 