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Right now, there are people all over the world who are just like you. They’re lonely. They’re missing somebody. They’re in love with someone they probably shouldn’t be in love with. They have secrets you wouldn’t believe. They wish, dream, hope, and they look out the window whenever they’re in the car or on a bus or a train and they watch the people on the streets, and wonder what they’ve been through. They wonder if there are people out there just like them. They’re like you and you could tell them everything and they would understand. You’re never alone.
I’m just a girl. I love being called pretty, but I’ll never believe it. I’m not always right, but hate admitting I’m wrong. I’m almost always smiling, but it’s not always real. I can be read like an open book, but hide so much. I work hard at things, but don’t always get what I deserve. I’m just a girl.
I miss the feeling of liking someone. You know, the feeling where all you can think about is how you can make them happier. That feeling when you get a text and automatically hope it’s them. And when it’s not, you’re disappointed. That feeling when you just sit in front of the computer and wait for them to come online just so you can talk. That feeling when you go to sleep thinking of them, and hoping they’re thinking of you. Yeah, that feeling.
You have to get hurt. That’s how you learn. The strongest people out there, the ones who laugh the hardest with a genuine smile, those who have fought the toughest battles. Because they’ve decided that they aren’t going to let the world hold them down. Instead, they’re going to show the world who is boss.
Nobody keeps their middle school friends forever. You’ll fail a math test once in your life. Your teachers will assign you seats away from your friends and your parents will assign you to your room when you do illegal things. You’re going to get drunk and say something you’ll regret. You’re going to cry over boys who’s names you won’t remember in twenty years. You’re going to call your friends names behind their backs when they make you mad, and they’re going to do the same to you. You’re going to be on your own once in a while; your opinions of people will change, once you get to know them. You’re going to run from the police. You’re going to hold someone’s hair back at one o’clock on a Saturday morning. You’re going to find one book in English class that you actually read. People are going to make fun of the music you like, and other people are going to like it just the same. You’re never going to finish all of your homework. You’re going to cry and maybe, just maybe, need a hug from your Mom. You’re going to bullshit every essay you write and pray that you sound like you know what you’re talking about. You’re going to get lost in a neighborhood that you don’t know and walk around until you find where you’re going. You’re going to sing sappy teenage ballads all alone in your room when no-one else is home. You’re going to dream of finally getting out of your town, and you’re going to miss it when you leave. You’re going to take pictures that you will blush at in five years. You’re going to get whistled at, cheated on, yelled at, ditched by your friends, played by boys, and laughed at. You’re going to fall in and out of love, and one day you might really figure out what that word means. You’re never going to stop looking for yourself. You are a teenager, so stop trying so hard, expecting so much, crying so often. Walk with your head held high. Quit talking shit about people. Take a walk outside. Go to school and smile at everyone, and who knows. You might really make it through.
It’s like, I wanna explain how I feel. I really do, but there are no words in the dictionary for it. It’s like they’re hidden, deep inside the dictionary, so I can’t find them and tell everyone who asks, how I really feel. So I cover it with the words that so many people would rather hear. I’m fine, I swear. If those words were not there stopping me from saying everything and the words in the dictionary came out from their hiding place and helped me, I wouldn’t be so sad and quiet and muddled up inside. Everyone would know I wasn’t alright. Everyone would try and save me.
Why is it that we always fall for our best friend.? Is it because we know we can trust them.? Is it because we know them so well.? Is it because of the way they know exactly what’s going on in our heads.? Or is it because they’re there any day, anytime, anywhere, without the promise of kisses, intimate touches, or whispered sentiments of love.? I think we love them because they’re there when there is nothing in it for them except for that glimmer of hope that maybe someday there will be.
I hate that feeling when you know you’re going to cry. Your lips quiver, your heart pounds, your eyes sting, your face clenches up, and then the tears start to fall. You can’t stop them, no matter how hard you try. And it’s not little tears that slide down your cheeks, it’s big tears that make your eyes red and puffy; your face tear-stained and your body heave. You can’t stop the tears, and as you lie on your bed alone, you think of what you could have possibly done to stop the pain. Stop the suffering. Stop this, stop what you’re going through. But there’s nothing you can do, nothing anyone can say. It’s the kind of tears and pain that need to be cried out, not talked about. And you know that you’re hurting people you love, but you can’t help it. And sometimes, you just don’t care. I know how you feel. Believe me.
The only thing I really wish to do with my life is to inspire someone. I wanna touch someone’s life so much that they can genuinely say that if they had never met me then they wouldn’t be the person they are today. I wanna save someone; save them from this cold, dark and lonely world. I wish to be someone’s hero, someone that people look up to. I only wish to make a change, even if it’s a small one. I just wanna do more than exist.
Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they’re all alone in this world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night’s sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve. But suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they’ll remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way too.
I’m so lost right now. And sad. And terribly lonely. Even the birds have something to sing about, though they’ve not heard the thousands of songs that are played on the radio. Even the stars have someone to shine down upon, kissing the faces of loved ones that have been left behind. The skies have more emotions than me, from the rage of thunder and lightning to the sadness of gentle rain, crying over the loss of someone important. Everything has something to cry over or smile about and I’m just here, so damn numb, I can’t even feel my own heart beating.
I want you to know, no matter how bad it gets, I will be there for you. I’ll be patient. Kind. Considerate. Your shoulder to cry on. Your friend. Your soul-mate. Your motivation. I won’t give up on you, I won’t leave you like they did. I promise.
How many times has the phrase “I’m just tired” been repeated.? Once.? Twice.? Multiple times.? Nobody is ever “just tired.” It’s an excuse, a shield for what they’re hiding. Sadness. Guilt. Ache. Heartbreak. Anger. Pain.
There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn’t expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me, there are some loves that don’t go away. And maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky enough to end up with somebody who has a little of that insanity. Someone who never lets go. Someone who cherishes you forever.
We are perfect for each other, bound by thin threads of sideways glances, and almost said words that could change everything into a blissful mess that we would be content to lie in. You believe in nothing and I believe in you. Isn’t that all we need anyway.?
I wanna be someone’s all. I wanna be the reason why somebody smiles first thing in the morning. Because it feels like I’m always the one making people indispensable to me. I am always making someone my all. I’m always smiling when I wake up because of that someone. For once I want the chance to have someone care for me the way I care too much about everyone else.
Hey you. Yes, you. Stop being unhappy with yourself. You are perfect. Stop wishing you looked like someone else or wishing people liked you as much as they like someone else. Stop trying to get attention from those who hurt you. Stop hating your body, your face, your personality, your quirks. Love them. Without those things you wouldn’t be you. And why would you wanna be anyone else.? Be confident with who you are. Smile. It’ll draw people in. If anyone hates on you because you’re happy with yourself than you stick your middle finger in the air and say screw it. My happiness will not depend on others anymore. I’m happy because I love who I am. I love my flaws. I love my imperfections. They make me me, and “me” is pretty amazing.
This is for the girls who have the tendency to stay up all night listening to music that reminds them of their current situation who hides their fears, hurt, pain, and tears under their smiles and laughs on a daily basis. The girls who wear their hearts on their sleeve. The girls who pray things will work out just once and they’ll be satisfied. The girls who scream and cry into their pillows because the rest of the world fails to listen. The girls who have it hard but don’t let anyone know that. The girls who may never have it easy. The girls who have so many secrets but will never tell a soul. The girls who have regrets and mistakes as a daily moral. The girls who don’t always win, who may never win. The girls who stay up all night thinking about that one boy wondering if he’ll ever notice her. The girls who get what they get and don’t throw a fit. The girls who take life as it comes, hoping it’ll get easier somewhere down the road. The girls who love with all their hearts but always get broken. This is for the real girls.
It’s time to let him go. The way that he kissed, smiled, and smelled. You have to let it go. The way his hands felt on your waist, the way he said your name. You have to let it go. Because that’s who he was, not who he is.
You wanna know why girls take every little detail seriously.? Because they’re scared that maybe, they’re not good enough. They see other girls and think maybe, someone else will take their place. They look through every flaw that they can find. They get insecure. They’re afraid of getting hurt repeatedly. They have trust issues. I don’t know, that’s just how they are. They’re fragile. They’re not something that you should go around playing with and throw away when you’re done. They have feelings too, you know.?
True love isn’t easy, but it must be fought for. Because once you find it, it can never be replaced.
You remember when you were a kid and looked at the clouds in the sky as the sunlight bounced off them.? And something that simple would make you feel a part of everything and all alone at the same time. And that feeling’s not something you can ever put into words so you spend your whole life chasing it; making music, taking pictures, painting… whatever. In hope that other people will understand that sense or feeling, as creative entities we look for signs of life outside ourselves. For a connection to alleviate that sense of solitude. That’s why we all do what we do, whether we know it ourselves or not.
You don’t get to be mad at me. You did this. You get that right.? I have always been there for you. I have gone out of my way for you over and over again. Do you do the same for me.? No. Never. And yet I keep my mouth shut and say nothing about it. I am not in any way trying to say I’m a perfect friend. But I honestly believe I have done everything I am capable of doing, to keep you in my life. The more I tried to keep you, the more you pushed me away. I have been more understanding and forgiving with you, than I was ever capable of being with anyone else. I have literally put myself through emotional hell for you. I’m not blaming you for this, because I chose that. I chose to allow you to walk all over me without ever saying a word. I did that because I wanted you in my life so badly. But you don’t get to be angry with me because I’ve finally decided that I can’t take it anymore. I can’t be the only one trying. It hurts too much. But apparently you don’t understand that. I love you. You will always be my best friend. But I don’t know if I’ve ever actually been yours, and I can’t be second best anymore. I’m fucking tired of being second best to everyone. Especially you. So I’m letting this go. Never thought I’d say that, did you.? I have to. I have to let this go because I’m not strong enough to handle it anymore. If you want me in my life, you need to fucking prove it to me.
I think about scrawling “I miss you” all over subway walls and trains I know you often take, but I imagine you’d look right past them, as anyone would, never knowing they were written for you. Even though all my words are… they always are.
Has it ever crossed your mind, that someone is thinking about you.? Whenever they hear someone mention your name, their heart starts to race. They can’t even sleep at night without thinking about you, they can’t stand a day without seeing you or they’re going to go crazy without hearing your beautiful voice. In short, someone’s longing for your attention. You’re just busy giving your attention to others, the one who never tries to appreciate what you give. Stop chasing people who’ll never runaway with you. Instead, try to look back. Maybe there, you will see someone’s still waiting for you.
Don’t worry. He’ll miss you. You’re the best he could get and he blew it. Don’t let him make you think for a second that it was your fault. It’s not. He screwed up, and you did absolutely nothing wrong. You gave him your heart, and trusted him to keep it and protect it, but he couldn’t. And honestly, he’s not mature enough. He’s not smart enough. If he was smart he would of cared for you with every fiber of his being, and been with you in every spare second that he could, but he didn’t and now he’s gone. But don’t cry. Don’t call him telling him you miss him. Don’t message him, don’t comment him, don’t talk to him. Just act like you don’t care, because well, you don’t. And don’t be surprised when he comes crawling back saying he made a mistake. And if you want to, go for him again but make him work for you. Don’t be his doormat. Don’t let him in the first time the doorbell rings, make him come back everyday until you trust him enough. If he doesn’t come back after a couple of tries, let him go. But if he comes back everyday, then he’s worth it, trust me. He’s worth it.
It’s been a whole year since he and I parted ways. This has been the most wonderful, awful, challenging, rewarding, enlightening, terrifying year for me. I’ve grown so much as a person, and I’ve discovered so much about myself. I’m proud of who I am today. 365 days ago, I wasn’t sure when I’d feel truly okay again. I didn’t know how many times I’d have to go to bed missing him. And in the months that followed, I still didn’t know. I went through some phases where I’d declare how “done” and “so over it” I was… even though I was nowhere near ready to move forward. There were even times that I reached out to him again, trying desperately to comfort myself with the idea that he and I still had something, while knowing we didn’t. I threw myself into things I wasn’t ready for to prove that I really had moved on. I hadn’t. And, when neither of those things worked, I always ended up with my headphones in, whimpering to sad music and staring at old pictures. I started to hate this cycle—the self pity fed on itself and I was exhausted. I just wanted to let it go. I wanted to be able to see him and think, “We were great once, but I’m happy with myself now.” Then, not too long ago, I woke up and felt something strange. I felt free. I’m not sure what clicked in my head, but I no longer felt that annoyingly familiar pang in my heart that reminded me that I was without him. I no longer wished to see his name pop up on my phone, or his face to show up at my doorstep. Instead, I was able to breathe and smile and think and feel and be who I am. It had been so long since I could do all of that without having my thoughts sink back to my past relationship in some way; I didn’t realize how much of my subconscious was consumed by those feelings. Of course, there will still be things that remind me of my time with my ex. And that’s okay. I will see him around, and I will smile at him. I am okay him being just another familiar face. I will always care deeply for him, but I don’t crave his approval anymore. I don’t need him to be in love with me anymore. I don’t need anything from him anymore, actually. And so, for the past few weeks I have been able to peacefully exist inside my own head. I am who I’ve wanted to be for such a long time. 365 days to be exact.
I hate the fact that I stayed with you even when I shouldn’t have. I hate that I stood up for staying with you even when I looked like an idiot. I hate that you don’t even care. I hate that you said forever. I hate that you lied. I hate that you built me up and tore me down. I hate how when I said forever i meant it. I hate how you controlled the relationship. I hate that I care so much. I hate that I still love you. I hate that I shouldn’t I hate the fact that you don’t want to be with me. I hate the fact that I’m here without you. I hate the fact that you’re there and you couldn’t care less. I hate that I don’t hate you. And it sucks.
I remember when you’d tell me that you would never leave me. You told me this all the time. You knew too well that I’d die without you… You eventually left me, though, for another. But, here I am, as alive as ever. I guess I didn’t need you to survive, now did I.?
So, what’s the point.? I forgot what it’s like to smile and mean it for more than two hours. I forgot what it’s like to be a lovely person, if that ever happened. I forgot what it feels like to live and like it. Now I just exist. Or nearly so. So tell me what’s the point of living a life pretending to smile every hour of your day; pretending to be so nice and adorable just for them to like you and admit you are into a job that you don’t really need and pretending to live, plus pretending to yourself that you are really loving to live this way. What’s the point.? Tell me about it and I’ll tell you why I’m so me, but it doesn’t mean that I’m really proud of this. Make me understand you as I try to do the same.
I will only continue to be who I am. 